Questions and Answers
Michael Scott is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and a child custody mediator. He has been a therapist since 1982 and maintains a private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. Since 1985, Michael has served as a child custody mediator for The County of Santa Cruz Superior Court. He is an educator offering workshops both nationally and internationally on marriage, divorce, parenting, education, personal and professional development, conflict resolution, and the developmental needs of children.
PO Box 822 * Santa Cruz, CA 95061 * (831)423-0521
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The following information is not intended to take the place of legal advice, mediation, psychotherapy, or counseling. Its purpose is educational and informational only. If you need such advice or counseling, please seek an appropriate, qualified professional.
Today is
The
following questions, and my responses, were
generated during a presentation given October
26, 2005 to upper division students enrolled
in "Psychology of Trauma" offered at the
As
a general response to all the questions below
when dealing with symptoms that reportedly
manifest during or following divorce, I
explore the intensity, frequency, and duration
of the symptoms relative to the developmental
needs and the age of a child.
When
facilitating mediation to establish the
parenting plan for a child, consideration
should be given to, a) what the child is
familiar with relative to the parenting
arrangement pre-divorce/separation; or prior
to the couple entering mediation if they had
been divorced/separated for any significant
length of ti
- Which is more tragic for a child, parents who were never together or parents who divorce?
Regardless, whether the couple was ever
together, I want to know the dynamic of the
couple. If the parents are cooperating,
communicating, consistent, and compromising in
a mature manner it will generally be more
supportive of adaptation and minimization of
trauma for the child. Parents lacking these
four qualities or skills, whether having been
together or not, will contribute to the child
experiencing stress from the adult
interaction. Most likely the child will
internalize that stressful experience. All
things being equal, however, if the child's
reality is that his/her parents are a unit and
then there is a divorce, the child will more
likely experience a sense of abandonment and a
greater sense of loss than the child who never
experienced their parents being together.
- What if someone has no bad memories of divorce related stressors and there is no recollection of the divorce? (She was 5 1/2 when her parents divorced)
Research indicates that: a.) Females
tend to adapt more easily and quickly then
males to divorce. There are a number of
possible scenarios. Generally it takes females
about one year and males about two years to
adapt. b.)
Children tend to adapt more readily when their
schedule is consistent and predictable. c.)
The higher the level of tolerance for stress a
child has, the more easily that child tends to
manage and adapt. d.) Children tend to adapt
to a divorce more effectively if parents are
not undermining each other but rather
maintaining a dynamic of cooperation,
communication, consistency, and compromise.
During my professional experience I
have observed that a lack of recall related to
childhood events often times is associated
with two opposing experiences. It is possible
that if events surrounding a divorce were
extremely traumatic, the child may employ an
ego defense mechanism, such as suppression,
repression, minimization, denial, delusion, or
dissociation, in order to cope with the
trauma. A second possibility is that the
parents actually managed the event with
maturity resulting in the child’s trauma
being minimized such that the child adapted
and integrated the situation with minimal
stress. In both scenarios, the adult who was a
child of divorce may not have significant
recall of events from their childhood.
- How do you help a child when they return from being with a non-cooperative parent (one parent is cooperative and the other isn’t)?
I use two approaches. The first is to
work with both parents and attempt to educate
them as to the impact the behavior is having
on the child (even if only one of the parents
is non-cooperative I will try to meet with
both parents.) If the parents do not want to
work together I seek to work with the parents
individually. I explain to each parent how
that parent can modify their behavior such
that it is supportive of the child. Third, if
the parent who is the “offender”
refuses to participate or “just does not
get it,” I will work with the more
cooperative parent to create what I call an,
“
- What do you do if you are lacking an understanding of having a biological Father?
I am assuming this is in reference to a
situation when the biological father was not
present. Two possibilities I have observed:
One is a significant adult male in the life of
the child is supportive and helpful. This
person can be a relative, a neighbor, a
teacher, etc. Second, from a Jungian
perspective all people have both masculine
(animus) and feminine (anima) traits and
characteristics. If there is no surrogate
available in the child's life to support the
absent mother or father, then it becomes
important for the single parent to be both
mother and father to the child. A single
female parent would have to reflect aspects of
her animus while a single male parent would
have to reflect aspects of his anima. The same
is true in a same gender parenting
relationship.
- How do you know when it's time to leave a marriage?
This is a very difficult question to
answer because it is based on an individual's
response to variable factors in that person's
life and personality. Truthfully this question
can fill at least a quarter semester
discussion. I am not being facetious.
Generally people leave a marriage for relief
from what they consider an intolerable
situation, no longer wanting to live their
life in that manner. The spectrum of
“intolerable” however is based on
the individual definitions I alluded to in the
first sentence of this paragraph.
- Is it better for children to be made to choose or for parents to choose with whom the children will live? (This student was 10 when her parents divorced and she was asked to choose)
In my professional opinion it should
always remain the decision of the parents.
However, in adolescence, when a child
manifests abstract reasoning ability, the
child should be given credibility of
preference. Still the decision should remain
with the parents. For the child to have to
choose, s/he is put in a
lose/lose, or untenable situation.
- Why are children from divorced families more likely to
divorce? What is their lifelong impact
of coming from a divorced family?
I believe one will get different
answers from various professionals (and
non-professionals) that have addressed this
issue. Again, I do not think there is a single
answer but rather a combination of factors.
Considerations include, but are not limited
to, norms and values of the culture one comes
from and the social structure within which you
live. If one lives in a society where divorce
is easily obtained and the social structure
makes it acceptable, then more likely the
divorce rate will increase. If the couple has
significantly different values, it makes it
more difficult to sustain the marriage over a
longer period of ti
An additional contributing factor, in
my opinion, is that our culture does not
appear to be supportive nor
conducive for marriages to be successful. Our
tax structure penalizes marriage. Consumer
advertising tends to idealize youth, unlimited
options, and disposable commodities. (If you don’t like what you have, go out and get a new one.)
It portrays “desire and wants” as
a viable substitute for “needs. People
often confuse intimacy with intensity. I
observe a lack of maturity in many adults. Our
culture neither supports nor is respectful of
elders who can guide and mentor youth. There
is a lack of ritual transformation into
maturity and a myriad of other factors that
make it difficult for one to find their
“soul” in our society. It is
challenging to identify one's values and hold
on to them when materialism provides so easily
the accessibility to “wants”
promoted as “needs.”
It is my opinion that many in our
society are at risk for not understanding what
it takes to enter into a lifelong commitment.
It is exacerbated for children of divorce.
There is often a “fear” living
within a child who has come from a family
where divorce has occurred. That fear sounds
like a voice inside that says, “I do not
want to make the same mistakes that my parents
made.” Unfortunately, unless that
individual has processed alternative
behaviors, the fear will only result in
hesitancy rather than understanding that is
required to be in a lifelong mature, healthy,
committed relationship.
- What are children's reactions to divorce across the lifespan?
At the time of the divorce, research
suggests that there are age specific symptoms.
There are specific symptoms if the divorce
occurs when the child is four years old vs.
eights years old. Wallerstein and Kelly's, Surviving
the Breakup, and Wallerstein's follow-up
work, documents longitudinal observations;
through both research and anecdotal reporting.
Similarly Hetherington, Cox, and Cox did a
study out of the
Divorce creates stress on all
children. There are multiple and sudden life
changes; school, family, friends, standard of
living, lack of predictability, often times
arguing, anger, fear, and hurt. Frequently the
parents are emotionally unavailable and often
become emotionally dependent on the child
(parentification). The child can believe that
s/he is the cause of the divorce. This results
from the child feeling powerless. If the child
believes s/he is the cause it gives the child
a sense of power. This may well result in an
overburdened child. The child experiences a
sense of abandonment. Their world is disrupted
and “blown apart.” It often feels
like death over and over again. They wonder if
their parent will be at home when they return.
Children are egocentric. They do not
understand it is not about them. As children
of divorce grow into adulthood and enter
relationships, they often fear they will
repeat the “error” their parents
made in not being able to resolve conflicts
that inevitably arise. It is not unusual that
they mistakenly and unconsciously attempt to
work out their parents’ problems in
their own relationship. Unfortunately this
tends to undermine the relationship rather
than contribute to its stability.
Imagine the following: a child of
divorce is living with each parent on an
alternate weekly basis, (I am using this
example for ease of understanding. It can be
any proportional amount of time). When this
child is with "Parent X,", "Parent Y" misses
the child. When the child is with "Parent Y,"
"Parent X" misses the child. Fifty percent of
the time each parent misses the child.
However, 100% of the time the child is missing
one of their parents. There is no relief for
the child.
- How do kids react to parents' manipulation? (and, what are some ways to help kids cope?)
The age of the child tends to
influence the specific behavioral reaction.
Regardless of the age however, it is possible
that the child may or may not see the
parent’s behavior as manipulation. If
the child does not experience the behavior as
manipulation, an alliance, or collusion, may
well be established between the manipulating
parent and the child which
may result in keeping the other parent on the
periphery of a relationship with the child. It
may even result in alienation of the
parent-child relationship (with the parent who
is not being manipulative). If the child is
sophisticated and mature enough to experience
the parental behavior as manipulative, the
child's reactions to the manipulation would be
contingent upon the age of that child. In a
very young child it may appear as fear or
crying when scheduled to be with the
manipulative parent (or leaving the parent who
is manipulating). In an adolescent it may
manifest as outright refusal to see the
manipulative parent (or the parent who is not
manipulating). It is not unusual that when a
child matures to adulthood, that individual
(the child who is now the adult) sustains a
relationship with both parents, but is able to
comprehend the manipulation of the immature
parent. The adult child may however, still
experience guilt as a result of the
manipulation since s/he is internally having
the experience of being
“controlled” by one of the
parents. S/he becomes objectively aware that
it is a part of that parent’s
personality. Very often I will have that
person (the adult child) in my therapy
practice dealing with their “post
traumatic stress” feelings resulting
from the manipulation, which impacts their
ability to function in a healthy manner in
their current relationships.
Regarding helping with coping skills:
refer to #3
- Does it make a difference depending upon the child's perception of the cause of the divorce (e.g. Infidelity versus...)?
Once again this is an issue of both
the age of the child and how the parents'
present the rationale of the divorce. On my
website, I have posted an article on my
website by
- Do children ever see through their parents' reality?
Not always, but as we mature, we are
often able to see their experience through our
reality. Generally there is a maturing
perspective the older one becomes. An
individual whose reality is a near replication
of their parents' reality and unable to form a
more sophisticated view of the world will be
limited by their parent(s) perspective.
- What percentage of people who divorce first try to figure out a way to work on the marriage rather than just jumping to divorce?
I do not know the percentage. In my
practice I have come across five
“types” of couples. Four of these
“types” fall within my therapy
practice and one appears in my mediation
practice.
First are couples who are doing very
well and want to evolve into a
“thriving” relationship. They are
looking for more effective
“tools/skills” to enhance the
sacredness of their marriage.
Second, couples who are realizing they
have problems and are committed to working it
out. They are looking for a new set of
“tools/skills” to enhance their
relationship.
Third, couples who realize they are in
trouble and are trying to figure out if they
actually want to be together.
Fourth, couples who are in trouble and
at least one of the parties has
emotionally left the relationship. That
individual has to articulate it to his or her
partner.
Fifth, couples in child custody
mediation. These couples are finished with
their marriage and now have to deal with how
they will parent their child.
- What do you tell a child when his/her parents are going to divorce?
I refer you to my website and the
article by
See #10
- What are the guidelines for custody/child contact when a parent has alcohol or other drug use issues?
I can only discuss
If it is just allegations (“he
said, she said”) lacking substantiation,
it generally does not come into play. If there
is substantiation such as a DUI or prior
treatment program involvement, the court can
order “random testing.” In
addition there will more than likely be
restrictions such as no use for twenty-four
hours prior to and during the time the child
is under the responsibility of that parent. If
a “random test” indicates usage
during the “guideline frame” it is
more than likely supervised visitation will be
established by the court pending some type of
intervention through a program to deal with
the substance/alcohol abuse.
Regarding the specificity of a
schedule, I address that in #17.
- What are gender differences for children of divorce?
I am assuming we are not referring to
male or female. :-)
As I indicated earlier, Females tend to adapt
in about a year following the divorce, males
about two years. Females tend to internalize
their experiences (i.e., depression). Males
tend to externalize their experiences (i.e.,
anger). If a divorce occurs when the child is
eight years old and the child is a male, I
would expect certain symptoms (Wallerstein and
Kelly reference above for age specific
symptoms). If I see the child three years
later and the child is manifesting symptoms of
an eleven year old going through the initial
phases of a divorce, I would have concern that
the child is not adapting well to the divorce
of his/her parents. The maturity and the
role-modeling of the parents play a
significant part in how the child, male or
female, manages and adapts to the divorce.
- What is the emotional impact on a child if they are present when it is revealed that one parent had an affair?
Age of the child, values of the
family, and reaction of the parents will all
have profound impact. Obviously the older the
child the more that child will grasp the
significance. Do not necessarily think that
the child will have a negative feeling. I have
seen adolescents who have been in such a
situation and were relieved because they
thought the parent who got caught should have
left the marriage a long time ago (and this
can be that the child is happy because they
are siding with the parent who was not having
the affair or they are siding with the parent
who had the affair.) It is not uncommon that
there are multiple issues occurring and a
suspicion that one of the parents has been
having an affair. It is therefore not
necessarily a shock. Emotions range from
anger, to fear, to confusion, to hurt, and to
sha
I have also seen cases with such an
event when deep religious belief is part of
the family system. The child initially is
extremely confused and has a reaction of both
confusion and anger. It is generally based on
betrayal of the value structure established
within the family faith system. The child is
unable to see the humanity of the parent who
broke the vow.
- What is the best co-parent schedule?
There
is no “best.” The prevailing philosophy is to
take into account the age of the child, the
developmental needs of the child, the status
quo of what has been occurring in the marriage
regarding parenting up until the divorce, and
the availability of the parents' schedules.
Given consideration of the factors identified
above, a schedule that is created will
hopefully have the child's best interest in
perspective. Thus the child should be familiar
with the parenting time frames (percentages)
and hopefully be able to more easily manage
and cope with the divorce of his/her parents.
The schedule can be modified as the child
adapts. Modifications should be implimented
gradually.
- Is divorce easier for kids with siblings?
This is an intriguing question. I have
not seen studies reflecting research on this
subject. My opinion is that it is primarily an
issue of parental cooperation and maturity. I
suggest that it is a factor of the age of the
child. If there are siblings, a subsystem may
be helpful if the children get along and are
within 3 to 5 year age range (especially if
they are younger than adolescents.) However, I
have seen children very frequently split their
allegiance to balance out the system. One will
align with mom and the other with dad. Please
be aware, as I indicated in class, all issues
are not just in heterosexual couples. I have
seen this in same gender couples too. It is
also possible that in high conflict divorce, a
sibling subsystem may provide mutual support
in dealing with the immaturity of the parents.
- What is the impact of a child getting along (or not) with a step-parent?
Blending a family is extremely
difficult. Statistically a second marriage
where there are children from a prior
relationship result in approximately a 65%
divorce rate within the first five years.
Third marriages with the same criteria are
likely to end in divorce at a rate ranging
from 70% to 85% within the first five years.
The range is difficult to specify because of
the complicated variables of the individuals
getting remarried and possibly each having
been married different numbers of times. The
statistical percentage of divorce increases as
one remarries more times. When asked what
contributed as the primary reason for the
divorce; overwhelmingly the divorcing parties
indicated that the children from the prior
relationship were the significant factor
contributing to the breakup of the marriage.
- If one parent is not wanting to be involved, how do you talk with a child about that?
Mom's House. Dad's House, by Isolina Ricci, has a
section on how to get an uninvolved parent to
participate.
My personal philosophy is if a parent does not want to participate, and you have attempted unsuccessfully to get that parent involved, then stop trying and tell the truth to the child. The problem is that no child is going to understand why their father or mother does not want to see him or her. I cannot count the many stories I have heard about a child sitting at the window waiting for their parent to show up and s/he never comes. It is painful. I believe you do not tell the child that the other parent is a “jerk.” I believe you tell the truth and that you can't tell them why; it just is that “mom or dad does not come to spend time with you.” It is critical to say to the child that it is not about you (the child). Years later, I will see that child as an adult and deal with it in therapy when they have the ability to grasp an understanding as to what the reasons might be. Those reasons could be that the parent that did not show up was just too immature to deal with the responsibility of having a child, or that the primary parent made it absolutely impossible for the absent parent to participate, or the schedule as ordered by the court was such that it was too painful for the absent parent to maintain an artificial relationship based on the infrequency of seeing the child as ordered.
- What is the impact of no step-parents versus step-parents? (blended families/time frame)
There are numerous possibilities. As far as impact; If the single parent provides an enriching, supportive environment with surrogate others (male/female), and is able to generate and access the animus if a female and the anima if a male (Jung) then the child will have a nurturing and stimulating experience. If the blended family is a “nightmare“ because the step-parent is doing the role of “parent” rather than being a significant adult in the child's life, there is a possibility that the child will resent that step-parent. If on the other hand, the biological parent is not involved, the step-parent can have a very productive and nurturing role if s/he fully understands the dynamics of blending a family.
Refer to # 4 regarding anima and
animus.
- What if the parents make a plan but the kid isn't happy about it?
Several factors contribute to a child's
ability to adjust to the schedule: the age of
the child, developmental needs, temperament of
the child, availability of the parents to
implement the schedule effectively, what the
child is familiar with at the time of the
divorce (status quo) regarding the parenting,
and how well both parents support the
parenting plan. Assuming the above criteria is
addressed, and the child is not doing well,
then the first few things I would want to
know: 1) Has the schedule been sustained
consistently; 2) Are the parents undermining
one another (or is one undermining the other);
3) Have there been any significant changes
like a new relationship, a move, a remarriage,
a new child being born in the family. If the
factors listed above are addressed and the
child is not doing well, (whatever that
means), I would want to know, what is the
child not happy about with regard to the
schedule? Depending on the child's age there
will be different symptoms. Depending upon the
child's age different consideration is given
to the child’s credibility to assess
what makes them (un)happy.
As an example, regardless of whether a child
is six or
sixteen
years old, if the reason the child is unhappy
with the schedule is due to the fact that when
s/he is at parent X’s house, that parent
makes them make their bed, I will not give it
much credibility. A child who is an abstract
thinker, (most likely over the age of twelve),
and has the ability to understand the
rationale of their desire to modify their
schedule, should be given more credibility to
preference with regard to modification. If the
child has not demonstrated that level of
development, then credibility of preference is
not strongly taken into account.
- What is the impact if the child didn't have any cues that divorce was going to happen?
It is usually extremely confusing for
the child to have not experienced arguing and
discomfort and then experience his/her parents
getting a divorce. That child will generally
grieve, and not understand the need for the
divorce. It is not uncommon for the child to
feel distrustful and insecure about
relationships and fearful of marriage as an
adult.
- What is the impact of birth order?
I have not seen research on this issue.
It usually shows up not as a birth order
symptom, but rather as an age symptom.
Therefore, if you have two children; a five
year old and a two year old, the child that is
five years old would tend to have symptoms
similar to a child that is five years old and
is an only child. Similarly, the child that is
two years old and a second child in the family
would have similar symptoms to a child that is
two years old and is an only child.
- Is there a difference if the child is born out of wedlock?
I have not observed any differences.
Nor am I aware of studies that reflect there
are differences.
Resume
Reflections of the Month
Reflections Archives
Co-Parenting: Things to Consider
Divorce: Things to Consider
Mediation: Things to Consider
Talking to the Kids: Things to Consider
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Michael Scott, 1996-2022. All rights reserved.
Last updated 04/02/2022
